AP

‘and tonight in the light of the gathering rain, I could hear creation groan.

and a sigh rose up from the streets of the city to the foot of heaven’s throne.

and the people hear the sound of a sweet refrain — an absolution in the fray.

it tells of the death of the one for the lives of the many

more than any picket sign could say.’

on His Resurrection

[I posted this poem back in November, but the words remain more poignant than ever on this Easter Sunday.  See also this wonderful post on the DG blog that reminded me of it.]

Descending Theology: The Resurrection

by Mary Karr

From the far star points of his pinned extremities,
cold inched in—black ice and squid ink—
till the hung flesh was empty.
Lonely in that void even for pain,
he missed his splintered feet,
the human stare buried in his face.
He ached for two hands made of meat
he could reach to the end of.
In the corpse’s core, the stone fist
of his heart began to bang
on the stiff chest’s door, and breath spilled
back into that battered shape. Now

it’s your limbs he comes to fill, as warm water
shatters at birth, rivering every way.

song for this week

Where am I today? I wish that I knew,
‘Cause looking around there’s no sign of you.
I don’t remember one jump or one leap–
Just quiet steps away from your lead.

I’m holding my heart out, but clutching it too.
Feeling this short of a love that we once knew.
I’m calling this home when it’s not even close,
Playing the role with nerves left exposed.

Standing on a darkened stage
Stumbling through the lines
Others have excuses,
But I have my reasons why.

We get distracted by the dreams of our own
But nobody’s happy while feeling alone
And knowing how hard it hurts when we fall
We lean another ladder against the wrong wall

And climb high to the highest rung
To shake fists at the sky
While others have excuses
I have my reasons why

With so much deception
It’s hard not to wander away
It’s hard not to wander away
It’s hard not to wander away

lowland

“O God, I have tasted Thy goodness, and it has both satisfied me and made me thirsty for more. I am painfully conscious of my need of further grace. I am ashamed of my lack of desire. O God, the Triune God, I want to want Thee; I long to be filled with longing; I thirst to be made more thirsty still. Show me Thy glory, I pray Thee, that I may know Thee indeed. Begin a new work of love within me. Say to my soul, “Rise up, my love, my fair one, and come away.” Then give me grace to rise and follow Thee up from this misty lowland where I have wandered so long. In Jesus’ name. Amen.”

- A.W. Tozer

[ come ye disconsolate ]

1.  I’m still listening to this song constantly.

2.  The ability to concentrate on school through all the emotion is still eluding me.

3.  All the deadlines are getting perilously close.  I could use prayer about that.

4.  I feel like I can’t talk to anyone here about what I’m feeling.  The words are locked up pretty deeply and no one has taken enough time to stop and dig them out of me.

5.  I’m thankful that even when I don’t have the strength to hold onto Him, my Father continues to hold me in His hand.

~

“Come, ye disconsolate, where’er ye languish,
Come to the Mercy-seat, fervently kneel.
Here bring your wounded hearts, here tell your anguish;
Earth has no sorrow that Heaven cannot heal.”

one sunday

berries

Originally uploaded by Norma*Iriz*

Laura came down to visit me this weekend. I really enjoyed being with her, just having someone that I can talk to without fear of rejection. [ God is so good to give me a loving family. ]  My sisters have grown so much more precious to me the past couple years — if only it weren’t after we had all started to leave home and go our own ways.

Anyway, we had a lovely time shopping, going to a real Starbucks [a big event, in my car-less, small town life], cooking together, and watching a scary action movie.  Talking about life and what we are learning.  The learning curve has never been so steep.  I’m not sure what to think about it all.

I’ve been meditating on 1 Corinthians 7:32-35 lately.  It says:

32 I want you to be free from anxieties. The unmarried man is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to please the Lord.

33 But the married man is anxious about worldly things, how to please his wife, 34 and his interests are divided. And the unmarried or betrothed woman is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to be holy in body and spirit.

But the married woman is anxious about worldly things, how to please her husband. 35 I say this for your own benefit, not to lay any restraint upon you, but to promote good order and to secure your undivided devotion to the Lord.

I want to learn how to concern myself primarily with living for the things of the Lord; how to practice holiness in my life.  It’s going to be a long path, I’m sure.

[they ask and I tell them I'm doing fine.  the truth is, I'm fine at that moment, but not the next.  there are so many terrible moments in between. ]

()

()

“If this is only a test
I hope that I’m passing
Cause I’m losing steam
And I still want to trust You

Peace be still.”

prayer

I’ve been listening to this sermon series — Pray Like Jesus — today.  Mark Driscoll is realistic about pain and life.  God is using these thoughts and the words of Christ to teach me how to talk to him honestly and rightly.

The Lord’s Prayer

The Gethsemane Prayer

The High Priestly Prayer, Pt. 1

The High Priestly Prayer, Pt. 2

I’m learning that prayer is for changing my heart, not God’s mind.  I’m learning that I cannot hide my brokenness and fear and pain from my Father.  And I’m learning how much He cares.

—

Today was far from easy.  I may be getting a little better at hiding my feelings when I’m around others, but I’m still breaking down as soon as I’m alone.  My roommate doesn’t know what to say to me, so she says nothing.  No one really knows what to say…  Grieving is one of the loneliest things.

I talked to my mom and broke down to her while I confessed how scared I am about going away next semester.  I could just forget it all and graduate in December and go home to be with my family for awhile and get back on my feet slowly.  I’m afraid that going overseas this soon after everything will launch me into depression or another spiritual valley.  How will I know what to do?

” But as for me, my prayer is to you, O LORD.
At an acceptable time, O God,
in the abundance of your steadfast love answer me in your saving faithfulness…

Let not the flood sweep over me,
or the deep swallow me up,
or the pit close its mouth over me.

Answer me, O LORD, for your steadfast love is good;
according to your abundant mercy, turn to me.
Hide not your face from your servant;
for I am in distress; make haste to answer me.”

weakness

“God will empty out all that thou hast before he will put his own into thee; he will first clean out thy granaries before he will fill them with the finest of the wheat. The river of God is full of water; but not one drop of it flows from earthly springs. God will have no strength used in his battles but the strength which he himself imparts. Are you mourning over your own weakness? Take courage, for there must be a consciousness of weakness before the Lord will give thee victory. Your emptiness is but the preparation for your being filled, and your casting down is but the making ready for your lifting up.”

“When I am weak then am I strong,
Grace is my shield and Christ my song.”

-C.H. Spurgeon

broken

“There are no steps to grief—there’s no process to it, and closure is the myth of the century…”

I’ve learned a couple things in these days of searching for answers.  For one thing, Google doesn’t have many.  Most people don’t really share the pain of broken engagements with the world.  The only real, satisfactory answers I’ve gotten to this problem of pain have been from pastors.  In those first hours yesterday, I desperately threw myself at God.  But I can’t keep that up at length — and alternated the rest of the day between crying, reading, and writing.  I’ve been journaling alot on my own, but somehow blogging about things is cathartic in a different way.

I’m still not in a place where I can muster up much coherence, but perhaps you’ll bear with my disjointed thoughts.

I went back to John Piper’s article, “There is a Way to be Happy, Even in Sadness” this afternoon.  He makes some similar points to those Tim Keller makes in his sermon, “Praying Our Tears”, which I listened to earlier.  I needed to hear the encouragement to invest the sorrow I feel in this time.  Not to hurry through it or try to “fix” it.  To take each feeling to my Father, knowing that He takes note of each tear and “puts them into his bottle [Psalm 56:8]“.  He himself has experienced the full measure of sorrow and separation and anguish — greater than anything I could ever feel — and he is able to sympathize with me.  He understands the ache.

This hasn’t been an easy day.  I had no choice but to be sucked back into classes and labs and acting like things were normal, while all the time I was hurting so desperately inside.  I didn’t get enough time to be alone with the Lord in silence.  I lost my best friend on this earth Sunday night.  I’ve never felt this achingly, crushingly alone.

Pray for me, that I could walk through this time of grief hand in hand with my Father; that it would be profitable for my soul.  And pray for Matthew, that the Lord would comfort and keep him as well.