a consuming flame

” He stood appalled, judging himself with the thoroughness of God, while the action of mercy covered his pride like a flame and consumed it. He had never thought himself a great sinner before, but he saw now that his true depravity had been hidden from him lest it cause him despair.  He realized that he was forgiven for sins from the beginning of time, when he had conceived in his own heart the sin of Adam, until the present, when he had denied poor Nelson.  He saw that no sin was too monstrous for him to claim as his own, and since God loved in proportion as He forgave, he felt ready at that instant to enter Paradise.”

-Flannery O’Connor;  The Artificial Nigger

I’ve been reading a book of O’Connor’s short stories lately with varying degrees of interest and enjoyment.  There is no doubt she is a brilliant writer and well-deserving of her place in this country’s literary canon, but nonetheless, her stories make me very sad.  She manages to give birth to characters who exemplify the depravity of man so intensely that it is both exhausting and painful to read their stories.

So earlier this evening I was sitting in the Filling Station, fully prepared to be left saddened yet again by the story, when I came upon those words I just quoted at the end of one story.  “the action of mercy covered his pride like a flame and consumed it.”  How incredibly powerful are those words?  Shouldn’t that very action be taking place in our hearts?  This bears a great deal more thought.

grey Saturday thoughts

I find myself, unaccountably, with nothing to do for a couple hours today.  This new city life has its innumerable positives, but an aching negative that has weighed on me — the scarcity of quiet time by myself, being.

Of course this is partly my own fault; being silent in thought, meditation and prayer takes a great deal of discipline that I largely still lack.  How many nagging worries would diminish and come back into proper perspective if I would spend more time dwelling before my Father with them and less consulting the opinions of every close friend?

blue

I can’t get this song out of my mind.  Regina performed this at the concert I attended this past Saturday and this song in particular struck me.

~

He stumbled into faith and thought,
“God, this is all there is?”
The pictures in his mind arose,
And began to breathe.
And all the gods and all the worlds
Began colliding on a
Backdrop of
Blue.

Blue lips,
Blue veins.

He took a step, but then felt tired.
He said, “I’ll rest a little while.”
But when he tried to walk again,
He wasn’t a child.
And all the people hurried fast,
Real fast,
And no one ever smiled.

Blue lips,
Blue veins.
Blue,
The color of our planet from far, far away.

He stumbled into faith and thought,
“God, this is all there is?”
The pictures in his mind arose,
And began to breathe.
And no one saw, and no one heard.
They just followed the lead.
The pictures in his mind arose,
And began to breed.

They started out beneath the knowledge tree.
Then they chopped it down to make white picket fences,
And, marching along the railroad tracks,
They smile real wide for the camera lenses.
They made it past the enemy lines
Just to become enslaved in the assembly lines.

Blue lips,
Blue veins.
Blue,
The color of our planet from far, far away.

Blue,
The most human color.
Blue,
The most human color.
Blue,
The most human color…

Blue lips,
Blue veins.
Blue,
The color of our planet from far, far away.

I spent a bit of time looking back through my favorite shots on Flickr this evening.   It’s interesting to see the shift of color spectrum and feeling subtly change to reflect the seasons and my mood.

Apparently I’ve been drawn lately to reds and blues, mushrooms and berries, animals and things made out of yarn, strikingly-revealing self-portraits and pictures of couples…  oh, and collections of things.

1. Untitled, 2. don’t go quietly, 3. Untitled, 4. sunday foraging., 5. Tim Roth, 6. Rain, 7. Untitled, 8. Untitled, 9. Untitled

fiercely solitary — and terribly elegant

Paloma, after meeting Kakuro Ozu for the first time:

“So here is my profound thought for the day: this is the first time I have met someone who seeks out people and who sees beyond. That may seem trivial but I think it is profound all the same. We never look beyond our assumptions and, what’s worse, we have given up trying to meet others; we just meet ourselves. We don’t recognize each other because other people have become our permanent mirrors. If we actually realized this, if we were to become aware of the fact that we are only ever looking at ourselves in the other person, that we are alone in the wilderness, we would go crazy.”

- Muriel Barbery, The Elegance of the Hedgehog

Only connect! That was the whole of her sermon.
Only connect the prose and the passion, and both will be exalted,
And human love will be seen at its height.
Live in fragments no longer.
Only connect…

– E.M. Forster, Howards End

AP

‘and tonight in the light of the gathering rain, I could hear creation groan.

and a sigh rose up from the streets of the city to the foot of heaven’s throne.

and the people hear the sound of a sweet refrain — an absolution in the fray.

it tells of the death of the one for the lives of the many

more than any picket sign could say.’

comfort in a prayer for mercy

“The Lord reveal himself more and more to us in the face of his Son Jesus Christ and magnify the power of his grace in cherishing those beginnings of grace in the midst of our corruptions, and sanctify the consideration of our own infirmities to humble us, and of his tender mercy to encourage us.

And may he persuade us that, since he has taken us into the covenant of grace, he will not cast us off for those corruptions which, as they grieve his Spirit, so they make us vile in our own eyes.

And because Satan labors to obscure the glory of his mercy and hinder our comfort by discouragements, the Lord add this to the rest of his mercies, that we may not lose any portion of comfort that is laid up for us in Christ.

And, may he grant that the prevailing power of his Spirit in us should be an evidence of the truth of grace begun, and a pledge of final victory, at that time when he will be all in all, in all his, for all eternity. Amen.”

—Richard Sibbes, The Bruised Reed (Edinburgh: Banner of Truth, 1998), 127-28

[awash in hope]

“I don’t care if anyone comes for me,” said Edward.

“But that’s dreadful,” said the old doll.  “There’s no point in going on if you feel that way.  No point at all.  You must be filled with expectancy.  You must be awash in hope.  You must wonder who will love you, whom you will love next.”

“I am done with being loved,” Edward told her.  “I’m done with loving.  It’s too painful.”

“Pish,” said the old doll.  “Where is your courage?”

“Somewhere else, I guess,” said Edward.

“You disappoint me,” she said.  “You disappoint me greatly.  If you have no intention of loving or being loved, then the whole journey is pointless.”

["someone will come for you.  But first you must open your heart."]

-Kate DeCamillo,

The Miraculous Journey of Edward Tulane

I picked up this children’s book about a china rabbit while I hung out in Barnes & Noble the other day.  I’ve scarce read anything in any book so moving as this passage, near the final pages.  It appears one might have much to learn from dolls and china rabbits.

sunset and memory

I’m rather inordinately proud of a couple of these shots I got yesterday at sunset.  Dandelion seedheads now remind me of a certain night back at college spent with some of the sweetest girls I know, blowing dandelions in the dark, giggling, and just enjoying that moment.

I’m sorely feeling the lack of community at the moment, though I’m enjoying my family very much.  I miss my church and friends from back there.  Visiting a new church, trying out a new knitting group, and slowly building up new connections here.

I’m not really sure what I’m doing anymore or what this path is supposed to be, the one the Lord has suddenly diverted my life down.  It’s lonely, for now, and a bit scary.  But the uncertainty is also rather exciting and certainly the testing of my faith has begun to produce patience, as my Lord promised.

[the right words]

I’ve been absent here a long time;  graduating from college, moving back to Kansas City, finding a job, trying to reconnect.  I’m committing to shoot more pictures, write more words, and to be more faithful about blogging.  Today, the only thing I want to share is this song by Sara Groves.  I first heard it five minutes ago and the words pierced my heart.  After reading the lyrics, you may understand:

Tuxedo in the closet, gold band in a box
Two days from the altar she went and called the whole thing off
What he thought he wanted, what he got instead
Leaves him broken and grateful

I passed understanding a long, long time ago
And the simple home of systems and answers we all know
What I thought I wanted, what I got instead
Leaves me broken and somehow peaceful

I keep wanting you to be fair
But that’s not what you said
I want certain answers to these prayers
But that’s not what you said

When I get to heaven I’m gonna go find Job
I want to ask a few hard questions, I want to know what he knows
About what it is he wanted and what he got instead
How to be broken and faithful

What I thought I wanted
What I thought I wanted
What I thought I wanted
What I thought I wanted

Staring in the water like Aesops foolish dog
I can’t help but reflect on what it was I almost lost
What it I thought I wanted, what I got instead
Leaves me broken and grateful

I’m broken and grateful
I want to be broken and grateful
I want to be broken, peaceful, faithful, grateful, grateful
I want to be broken, peaceful, faithful, grateful, grateful

You can listen to the entire song here. Or buy the CD and support Sara — I saw her in concert last summer and she’s an absolutely lovely person.