Last night – being an evening I spent alone for almost the first time in what seems like forever but was only the span of 2.5 months – I did alot of quiet, candlelit reading. I pulled out my journal from the end of 2008, when I ended the relationship/engagement, and reread some of my thoughts from that time and scripture that spoke to me then.
I think I was able to see some of the changes the Lord has worked in my heart and life in the last year and a half as I contrasted those thoughts with the ones I have about the current situation. Obviously, the fallout of a much longer relationship is going to be more drastic and painful than that of a very short one, but there was a difference beyond just that. There is freedom from guilt. Then, I spent weeks berating myself for my foolishness and taking all the blame for the end of the relationship. Now, the deep knowledge of the gospel that has grown in me over the last year at Redeemer has allowed me to look at my sin with sorrow, but also through the lens of Christ’s work in my life. My guilt is covered by his blood and washed away.