a lover of the light

dear “real” blog o’ mine, I’ve been a bit unfaithful to you, reveling in the silliness and spontaneity that is Tumblr much more often these days.  why do I feel like your pages are only for ‘serious’ things?  this isn’t the first time I’ve wondered the same thing.


The past few weeks have flashed by, unexpected and seemingly unreal.  For all my attempts, I’ve been unable to articulate the emotions that surround my leaving Kansas City.  Perhaps this is because I always struggle to identify, detangle, and analyze these mysterious forces, my emotions and desires.  I want to be loved.  I want to be remembered for something bigger than myself.  I don’t want to be forgotten by the ones I hold dear in this place.  I’m afraid that my faith is not strong enough, that my God is not near anymore, that I am no longer able to hear His voice.  And that I will not, where I am going.  I fear that there will be no place for me when I return.  That this tight, choking feeling in my throat is but an echo of the greater fear and uncertainty I’ll face in the days to come.  [there is no fear in love.  perfect love casts out fear.]

The brave words I speak to those who question are true.  But my uncertainty is no less true.


One thought on “a lover of the light

  1. You’ll be alright. God wouldn’t have opened the doors had He not thought you ready. It’s good to be uncertain, that uncertainty will make you rely on Him even more.

    You have an amazing journey in front of you. It will be something you will never forget. It won’t be easy, but it will be an amazing time of growth.

    You will never be far enough away to not hear Him. David says it simply…

    Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I go from your presence? If I ascend to heaven, You are there; if I make my bed in Sheol, behold, You are there. If I take the wings of the dawn, if I dwell in the remotest part of the sea, even there Your hand will lead me, and Your right hand will lay hold of me…. Ps 139


    Humble yourself under God’s mighty hand that He may lift you up in due time. Cast all your cares on Him because HE CARES FOR YOU.

    Resist the evil one, by standing firm in the faith, knowing that your brothers and sisters around the world are undergoing the same type of suffering.

    And the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will HIMSELF make you strong, firm and steadfast.
    1 Ptr 5

    Do not fear, for I am with you; Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, Surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand. Is 41

    You are a modern day Moses, setting off on the journey that He has given you. Even Moses was afraid…

    The Lord said to him, “Who has made man’s mouth? Or who makes him mute or deaf, or seeing or blind? Is it not I, the LORD? Now then, GO, and I, even I, will be your mouth, and teach you what you are to say.

    You will not be forgotten. You will be remembered. You will be loved. You are loved.

    And we will be here, when you get back, a little older and hopefully wiser ourselves.

    Send word of your travels, because even John delighted in hearing the news…

    I have no greater joy than this, to hear my children walking in the truth. Beloved, you are acting faithfully in whatever you accomplish for the brethren, and especially when they are strangers; and they have testified to your love before the church. 1 Jhn 1

    ..Now to Him who is able to keep you from stumbling, and to make you stand in the presence of His glory blameless with great joy, to the only God our Savior, through Jesus Christ our Lord, be glory, majesty, dominion and authority, before all time and now and forever. Amen.

    God bless you on your journey.

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